Being Loved, Being Important, and Believing in Yourself

I had a conversation with a narcissist the other day. Narcissists have a curious habit of believing they are the center of the universe, but not realizing they believe it, and in fact actually thinking that they are philanthropists. They are utterly fascinated with every aspect of themselves and constantly build themselves up and trash everybody who does not do or say what they want. And they truly feel badly done by. Accountability is not in their vocabulary.

Of course you cannot have a real conversation with a narcissist, because they do not care to hear what you have to say, they just want to talk about themselves and how incredible they are. The more they speak and do not want to know about you, the smaller you get until you are hardly there at all.

Do I hear you asking the question - why do you bother to listen? Why not just get off the phone? Let me just say this person is somebody I yearn to be loved by. After half an hour of feeling blitzed by the insatiable ego of the narcissist I plucked up the courage to say "it would be nice if you wanted to ask me how I am. Picture screeching emergency brakes of a runaway train.

For a second I thought the narcissist might get a glimmer of self-awareness. Silly me. "But why?" Was the melodramatically puzzled and hurt response. " Can you not understand that I need somebody to talk to? That it is my way of cheering you up and helping you be positive?"

I was speechless for quite a few seconds. Then all I could say, and it does me no credit, was "should we try doing it the other way round, I talk about myself nonstop for half an hour and see how you feel at the end?"

It was hopeless. Because it was not just the talking that was hurtful, it was the emotional dump that was part of the equation - which a narcissist will never acknowledge. When I tried to explain, good old Denial, capital D, stepped up. And along came Victim and Self-Pity to join the party. Just lurking under the surface was Menacing Anger.

I could see a small child in me begging to be seen and heard, to be loved and appreciated. I extracted myself as soon as I saw that trying to get a narcissist to allow you to be as important in their head as they are, is an oxymoronic occupation. I walked away very sore in my heart but a little clearer about the truth of who I was dealing with and that I do deserve to be loved, to be important, to have people believe in me and to believe in myself.

The only thing is; I have to accept that I can never have that experience with this person. I cannot hope to change them; I must change. I must learn to believe in myself enough that I can walk away.

Jennifer Stewart experienced bankruptcy six years ago which changed her life dramatically - for the better! To read about her experiences and her journey of Stepping out of History, Visit its-not-about-the-money